


This is Your Brain on Galbatorix

by Zelenal



Category: The Inheritance Cycle - Christopher Paolini
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, One Shot, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-25
Updated: 2014-04-25
Packaged: 2018-01-20 18:02:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1520078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zelenal/pseuds/Zelenal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What is the life of King Galbatorix like? What does he do all day? What does he do for fun? Join me and find out! It was written well before the final book was released.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This is Your Brain on Galbatorix

It was a fine day in the land of Alagasëia, even more so in its capital city, Urû'baen. It the magnificent city built by the elves sat Castle Ilirea and upon it sat the dark citadel that was the home for King Galbatorix.  
  
Most people envision their king in a similar way as Orcus when he sat upon his throne. Unbeknownst to them, the king was a far different man from those stereotypical evil types. Alright, he does indulge in a little Orcus throne sitting from time to time (his throne more comfy then it seems) but that's not all he does.  
  
Believe it or not, he enjoys playing games with his dragon, Shruikan. As a matter of fact, he was doing just that at this moment in time. ... What's that? You wanna know what he's doing? Well, I suppose I could show you... but I won't do it for free. You'll have to pay me 10 USD per person per minute. What's that? Why am I charging you for every minute you read a story? Well, a guy's gotta make money somehow. That and showing you these things isn't easy. It cuts into my personal time and, if you get caught, bad things can happen.  
  
Hmm? You're gonna leave and read some other fanfic? Ugh, fine cheapskate. I'll show you but you'll have to pay once we're all done, kay? Good.  
  


***********

On this aforementioned mighty fine day, good old Galby and his ~~red-eyed-~~ black-dragon-with-a-hard-to-pronounce-name, Shruikan, were playing one of their favorite games on the highest balconies of one of Castle Ilirea's physics defying towers.

Galby was running towards something; a look of pure, unbridled rage and hatred on his face. He stopped abruptly with his right leg still high in the air behind him before bringing it down with all of his might. "PUPPY PUUUUUUUUNT!" he shouted as loud as he could as he kicked a little puppy off of the tower.

The little bitch flew off into the distance before twinkling into a star. "YES! That has to be a new record!" Galby said as he pumped his fist into the air.

"Aw, dude, that was totally righteous!" Shruikan congratulated him.

"Hey, you wanna see if you can light them on fire midair?" Galby, who wanted to include his dragon in on the fun, asked.

"Nah, I have a better idea! I'll try to catch them!"

"That's a great idea! You get down there and tell me when you're ready!" Shruikan jumped off of his perch and started to fly down range. When it got to where he was just a speck in the distance Galby got back to his starting position and charged the next  
puppy.

Right before he brought his right foot down on the dog it was as if all time froze. Galby had a look of pure ecstasy on his face, the dog looking stereotypically cute, and Shruikan said, "Launch!"

Galby brought his foot down and the puppy was sent off into the distance. The black dot on the horizon moved a bit before Shrui's muffled "voice" rang out in Galby's head, "I got it!"

"Alright then. Let's see you catch THIS!" Galby picked up the next puppy with his foot before bouncing it on his knee a couple of times. He pushed it away before twisting his body slightly, "TETSUMAKI SEMPU KYAKU!" Galby jumped in the air while spinning (and rocking you) like a hurricane. His gravity defying foot came in contact with the dog seven times, giving in a ridiculous amount of spin before... "HADOUKEN!" The puppy was launched at Ludicrous Speed towards the black speck as Galby just floated back to the tower.

"OW! You hit me in the head with the puppy!" the slightly injured Shrui said.

"So you didn't catch it?" Galby's voice was so full of hope it was almost sickening.

"NO! Ugh, dude, that totally hurt..." Galby was too thrilled to care about his partner’s pain. This was the first time that Shrui missed the puppy. Naturally, good ole Galby celebrated by doing that stupid cowboy dance (among others).  
"Uh-huh! I'm bad! Uh-huh! I'm bad! It's my birthday! It's my birthday!"

By this time, Shrui had flow back and said, "I'm going to eat and lay down. I'm getting a headache."

Galby stopped in his gloating to say, "I'll think I'll join you." The duo then went off to do just that.

  
***********  


Hmm? What did they eat? Why do you want to know that? Ugh, okay. Shrui ate cows and such while Galby ate cats. He does love him some cat. Happy now? Good. ... Why are you still here? You want to know if there's more? Well of course there's more... You wanna see it, don'tcha? Well, I'll show you but it'll cost extra.

  
***********  


Galby was pulling an Orcus for the third time that day. "Hey, dude, like, why are you just sitting there?" Shrui said his voice a little weird.

"Shrui, have you been at the fireweed again?" Galby was onto him.

"Well I can't help it! It's so warm and lets me see little rainbow zombie bunnies on fire," Shrui admitted. Galby sat there in silence before saying,

"I'm so glad I don't stay in your head. What did you want to begin with?"

"Well, you see, there's this dude that people are talking about. He's called 'Chuck Norris' or something," Shrui informed Galby.

"And I should care because...?"

"They say that on his birthday he chooses one lucky orphan to be thrown into the sun."

"THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! I won't stand for it! Not in my kingdom! How dare he be more evil then I! Come, Shrui! I'm going to outdo him by chucking and entire orphanage into the sun! Then, I shall chuck random people into the sun in order to create more orphans!"

"Can I have some more fireweed after you're done?"

"Sure."

"Alright! I'm game!"

So Galby and Shrui left their palace to venture forth into the town. After some pointless flying, getting lost, and Shrui chasing ninja pirate robot zombie birds that weren't there they found an orphanage. "Alright, here's the plan," Shrui began, "I'll cast Song of Quakening Fear while you pepper the surrounding areas with Arctic Blast of the Frigid North. Then I'll cast Heat Wave of the Tropical Tundra Storm level 1 while you cast Uprising Winds of Supreme Kickassness. Then you can throw the orphanage into the sun. Got it?"

"Hey chump, watch this."

"Uh-oh."

"GALBAAAAAAAATOOOORRIIIXXX!" Galby proceeded to jump off of Shrui towards the orphanage.

Meanwhile, an orphan boy walked out into the bright sunlight, "Today is such a great day! The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and I can finally leave this orphanage, get a job, and become successful despite my past! Today is going to be so- hey, what's that? Ohgodwhy?!"

Galby landed and unrealistically slid forwards after grabbing the boy while saying, "GET IN THERE!"

The owner of the unfortunate orphanage (although, it WAS known for crazy stuff like this happening to it) opened the door to see what was going on, "Hey, what's going o- Ohnotmetoo!" The distinctive sound of bowling pens clattering was heard as Galby shut and sealed the door. Galby then cast a spell in order to separate the building from the ground before magically getting under it and lifting it up. He was having trouble.

"NO! I... won't let... Chuck Norris... outdo me!" an idea came to the strange king’s head. "I've got it! DENDE! USE YOUR LAST WISH TO RESTORE ME TO MY MAX POWER!"

Shrui, who was sitting on a random house watching this, said, "What." Something happened as a golden aura surrounded Galby as he effortlessly lifted the orphanage.

"Physical Orphanage, GO!" Galby did exactly what he planned on doing and sent the build soaring right towards that big fireball in the sky.

The deranged king returned to his mount and the two set off for their castle. "I'm done for today. I'll save my people tossing or, better yet, people punting for tomorrow," Galby said as he relaxed in Shrui's saddle.

"Hey, did you know that there is a series of novels with vampires that sparkle?"

"WHAT?!"

  
**ELFINO**  



End file.
